Leadership Library Spotlight
by on Nov 20th, 2009 at 2:35 am
Book: Questions Worth Asking Before the Ring
Author: William L. Coleman
"My hope for this book is that it will encourage couples thinking about engagement to take time to discuss some lasting issues. When couples take the time to get to know each other better, most will love one another all the more. They will become filled with the greatest gift God has given."
- William L. Coleman, Before the Ring, p.7
When my wife and I were considering engagement and marriage, we decided to look for a Christian resource that would provide some biblically based guidance for that time in our relationship. For a long while, we were disappointed at the lack of materials available to people in our situation.
Within the realm of Christian literature related to marriage, engagement, and dating, we discovered a gap that existed between the time couples became serious in their relationship and when they became engaged. On one side of the gap, books abound with advice for married couples and soon-to-be married couples. Those books are great, but for six months, Michelle and I were trying to decide if we were ready and willing to make that kind of a commitment, so these books were too heavy for us in that period. On the other side of the gap rest several books that argue the merits of dating, the demerits of dating, the value of courtship, or the archaic irrelevance of courtship. Authors were content to tell us whether or not to date, but Michelle and I had already settled that issue. We wanted to know whether we were ready to go beyond dating/courtship/insert hybrid here.
William Coleman’s book became a fortunate find. His intended audience is the couple that has already been dating/courting/hybridding for some time, and were standing at the door of engagement. Those of you who have stood at that door with someone can appreciate the level of stress and concern that exists in that place. You love the person you are with, but you also recognize the permanent nature of marriage and want to be doubly sure that you are ready to commit to that person for life. If there was ever a time to end the relationship before irreparable damage were done, that awkward phase is a couple’s last and best chance. Therefore, Coleman’s book hits a segment of a couple’s relationship that is crucial, tense, and often ignored in bookdom.
The real beauty of Questions Worth Asking Before the Ring is not found in Coleman’s writing. He is a good author, but he does not string together one unforgettable statement after another. Instead, he seeks to arm the readers with the ability to work through many of the serious issues that most married couples will face in their lifetime, from practical matters to philosophical beliefs.
He structures each (short) chapter around a particular issue, discusses his thoughts on why these issues are necessary to address, and then he provides a series of questions for each of these issues that couples can talk about together. The book suddenly becomes less of a book and more of a moderator to guide critical conversations between couples.
The goal of the book is not to force couples to come to agreement on every issue. In fact, even the most “compatible” of couples will discover differences with one another! Yet, so long as they answer honestly, couples will be able to discover what they affirm and where they differ in practice or philosophy. The couple needs to decide whether these differences are too strong to move forward in marriage or that they are worth working through to prepare for a strong marriage.
From the time that my wife and I married, I am convinced that this resource was the second-most valuable resource for our relationship, the Bible being first in effect. We discovered our strengths, differences, and potential areas of conflict long before we were married because Coleman’s questions helped us to talk about things that we would have never thought to discuss on that side of engagement. His resource gave us confidence that we wanted to work on our relationship for a lifetime, and I heartily recommend this resource to couples who are serious and at that stage of figuring out if marriage is the next step.